Mom, Dad, don’t read this one. Do you ever have those times in your life where it seems like you keep seeing the same random things? Like that week where every time I had to stand in line for something, there would be a group of retarded people in front of me, taking FOREVER to place their orders and pay for their shit. EVEN when I had gone out of town. That was annoying and I’m glad it’s over. But this week it seems like everything comes back to The Dick…

It started with HBO’s Real Sex episode my roommate and I watched. The focus was strap-ons. Captivated, we both agreed that we couldn’t die without partaking in strap-on fun. Add it to my list of things to do.

Then I kept having these strange dreams about inverted penises… Then everything began to look phallic to me. My boss’ speakers pique my curiosity… just yesterday, someone randomly brought up the pervertedness of The Little Mermaid… I hesitantly ate sausages last night… And this morning I read this:

Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men’s penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft.

Reports of so-called penis snatching are not uncommon in West Africa, where belief in traditional religions and witchcraft remains widespread, and where ritual killings to obtain blood or body parts still occur.

Rumors of penis theft began circulating last week in Kinshasa, Democratic Republic of Congo’s sprawling capital of some 8 million inhabitants. They quickly dominated radio call-in shows, with listeners advised to beware of fellow passengers in communal taxis wearing gold rings.

Purported victims, 14 of whom were also detained by police, claimed that sorcerers simply touched them to make their genitals shrink or disappear, in what some residents said was an attempt to extort cash with the promise of a cure.

“You just have to be accused of that, and people come after you. We’ve had a number of attempted lynchings. … You see them covered in marks after being beaten,” Kinshasa’s police chief, Jean-Dieudonne Oleko, told Reuters on Tuesday.

Police arrested the accused sorcerers and their victims in an effort to avoid the sort of bloodshed seen in Ghana a decade ago, when 12 suspected penis snatchers were beaten to death by angry mobs. The 27 men have since been released.

“I’m tempted to say it’s one huge joke,” Oleko said.

“But when you try to tell the victims that their penises are still there, they tell you that it’s become tiny or that they’ve become impotent. To that I tell them, ‘How do you know if you haven’t gone home and tried it’,” he said.

Some Kinshasa residents accuse a separatist sect from nearby Bas-Congo province of being behind the witchcraft in revenge for a recent government crackdown on its members.

“It’s real. Just yesterday here, there was a man who was a victim. We saw. What was left was tiny,” said 29-year-old Alain Kalala, who sells phone credits near a Kinshasa police station.

That sucks!!!!! Stay the eff away from my man!

The hospital in Baralaba, a tiny town in Queensland, 200 miles northwest of Brisbane, has been plagued by red back spiders for months.

Staff has tried to ward them off by spraying with pesticides, to no avail (WTF!?!?!). The only other option was to close the hospital for fumigation. Mother Nature’s a b*tch.

link

For the first time in Britain two blind patients have been implanted with bionic eyes. The procedure was preformed at Moorfields Eye Hospital in central London last week and the two patients are said to be “doing well.”

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On April 10th, 29-year-old South Korean bio-engineer Yi So-yeon became the country’s first astronaut. On Monday, she became the first South Korean to be scared shitless by a rough return to planet Earth.

“During descent I saw some kind of fire outside as we were going through the atmosphere,” said Yi So-yeon, a 29-year-old bioengineer. “At first I was really scared because it looked really, really hot and I thought we could burn.”

But then she said she noticed it was not even warm inside the Soyuz capsule. “I looked at the others and I pretended to be OK,” Yi said.

As it turned out, Yi had every right to be a little freaked out. She and the capsule’s passengers — American astronaut Peggy Whitson and Russian flight engineer Yuri Malenchenko — were subjected to gravitational forces 10 times greater than what is experienced on Earth for three and a half hours. A technical glitch caused the craft to take a steeper than usual decline and sent its landing 260 miles off course.

All three members are fine, though were a little shaken up upon emerging from the TMA-11 space craft. Though everyone was okay, this is the third time since 2003 that the Soyuz capsule has had a balky landing. Maybe someone should get that checked.

Someone will turn this true story into a blockbuster movie:

Using his wife’s kitchen pots and pans Mr Kanzius, 63, built a machine to direct radio waves at tumours, heating and killing them without damaging the surrounding tissue - something that opens up the possibility of cancer treatment with few or no side effects.

Now two teams of American cancer researchers have just shown that a refined version of Mr Kanzius’s machine can kill static tumours in mice and rabbits and they are working to find a way to hunt down cancers that spread through the body. They believe human trials could start within four years.

read the whole article

The father of Chaos Theory, Edward Lorenz, passed away at age 90 on Wednesday. The most widely known facet of chaos theory is known as the “butterfly effect.” The theory describes the behavior of certain nonlinear dynamical systems that may exhibit dynamics that are highly sensitive to initial conditions.

The phrase “butterfly effect” refers to the idea that a butterfly’s wings might create tiny changes in the atmosphere that ultimately cause a tornado to appear (or prevent a tornado from appearing). The flapping wing represents a small change in the initial condition of the system, which causes a chain of events leading to large-scale phenomena. Had the butterfly not flapped its wings, the trajectory of the system might have been vastly different.

On a side note, everything I just typed is from Wikipedia.