Watch this a few times and reconsider. If you’re the type of person who learned to think twice before watching any of my videos, I’ll give you a break down: it basically shows a bunch of dolphins being herded up and dragged out of the water, where their throats are then slit, and they’re left to writhe in agony on the concrete until they bleed to death. Whatever happened to Zen and all that shit? I mean, no wonder everyone in Japan is killing themselves.

Former Senator George Mitchell’s report on the widespread use of steroids in Major League Baseball was finally released today. Over 409 pages it basically says what most people already know, that most any decent baseball player of the last two decades was so juiced on roids that his balls were probably the size of seedless grapes:

“Everyone involved in baseball over the past two decades - commissioners, club officials, the players’ association and players - shares to some extent the responsibility for the steroids era,” Mitchell said. “There was a collective failure to recognize the problem as it emerged and to deal with it early on.”

For added lulz, the report named names, listing 75 players who were shown to have used Performance Enhancing drugs, including Roger Clemens, Miguel Tejada, Kevin Brown, Benito Santiago, Lenny Dykstra, Chuck Knoblauch, David Justice, Mo Vaughn and Andy Pettitte. LENNY!!!?? Say it ain’t so! Full list after the jump:

(more…)

Paging Philip K. Dick:

In August 2007, software giant Microsoft filed a patent application for a system that would allow it to access thoughts. The patent describes pattern-recognition techniques that can be applied to electroencephalograph (EEG) signals – a measure of electrical activity in the brain – to determine what cognitive state the subject is in.

And you thought that Zune ad we used to have on this blog was annoying…wait until those fuckers can get in your MIND, brah! It’ll be like that shitty Tom Cruise movie a few years ago, Minority Report, where the billboards talked to you and knew your name and all that. Maybe we’ll all get lucky and Apple will figure it out first. At least then shit will be tasteful. A gentle mindfuck, if you will.

I remember when Waterworld came out in like 1995 or whatever people were super bummed on it. But I watched it last night and I’ll tell you what, that move is on some other shit, like some visionary status, nahmean? Just look at today’s headlines: we got “Rapid Acceleration in Human Evolution Described” (can anyone say FISH GILLS? WEBBED FEET?) coupled with “UN Chief: World Risks Oblivion Without Deal to Battle Global Warming.” Only other way the world could be heading to a MORE Waterworld-like scenario is if tomorrow’s headline was “Joe Hazelwood Comes Out of Retirement to Pilot Exxon Valdez.” What I’m trying to say is, Kevin Costner is totally the Jules Verne of the 20th Century. Recognize.

…and it only took 95 years to make it legal! Yes, the drink attributed to Van Gogh cutting off his ear (actually, the more likely cause was schizophrenia or delicious period paint flavors) and Hemingway being…well, Hemingway, is now once again legal in the United States.

Mmmm….

It’s being produced in Alameda, CA, by our new best friends St. George Spirits, and of course, in Europe. For anyone who’s not yet had the pleasure, absinthe is a liquor distilled from, among other things, wormwood, and is said to have hallucinogenic effects. I tried it once and I did not in fact trip balls, but one shot got me significantly buzzed. It kind of tastes like licorice and gasoline. DELICIOUS!

Supposedly, the kind you can buy legally in America has less than 10 parts per million thujone, whereas absinthe “bottled before 1900 packed up to 260 p.p.m. of thujone.” Oh well, I’m still gonna party like Sherlock.

“After the first glass, you see things as you wish they were. After the second, you see things as they are not. Finally you see things as they really are, which is the most horrible thing in the world.” — Oscar Wilde

Absynthesis.

Check out this extended trailer for the forthcoming movie Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed, a film which advocates academic exploration of Intelligent Design (as in, you know, “God made everything and all that kind of jazz”) and features former speech writer and political pundit turned TV semi-star Ben Stein as narrator / protagonist. Richard Dawkins is pissed.