[The following column, printed in the Monday, May 5th edition of Synthesis Weekly, is an installment from our literature columnist, Emilie Clark.]

Things I’ve Learned From Women Who’ve Dumped Me
Edited by Ben Karlin
Grand Central Publishing

In an interesting turn on the book cover theme: Things I’ve Learned From Women Who’ve Dumped Me, an anthology of essays penned exclusively by men, has a very blue cover. I think it is cornflower blue, but not being an interior design major, I might be wrong about that. Anyway, it seems that sometimes men also get stereotyped and gendered through the use of infantilizing color schemes. But I will say that this blue is a much nicer color than the pink of last week, and I was not embarrassed at all to be seen reading this book. My manly boyfriend says the color wouldn’t embarrass him either. So there you have it.
The premise of this book is pretty obvious. A number of famous and semi-famous male authors and comedians tackle some break-ups and the lessons learned from them. Andy Richter talks about how hard it was for a teenager of his girth to find a girlfriend; Stephen Colbert writes about an old girlfriend, but lets his wife redact the naughty bits; and Neal Pollack tells an especially hilarious cautionary tale about midnight emissions and pets.
Most of the stories are pretty funny, some of the laugh out loud variety, and some of them even have a bit of heart. But I was surprisingly underwhelmed. As I read the list of contributors, my anticipation grew strong, but a lot of the big names seem to have just phoned it in. Standouts include “A Dog is No Reason to Say Together” by Damian Kulash Jr., singer of OK Go, who tells an intriguingly honest story about a relationship that could have been mine or anyone else I know. It’s about that kind of pre-marriage long-term relationship where the terms and contracts are really hard to define and you’re not sure how or when it should end. Another standout is Barbara Karlin’s forward, “I Think My Son is a Catch.” I’m sure you can guess what it’s about.
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It’s been 5 days since GTA IV came out and Rockstar has already sold 6 million copies of the game, beating out Halo 3’s launch week. 4 million people bought it the day it came out, which happened to be the 16th anniversary of the LA Riots. The game has generated $390 million. Violent video games are AWESOME!!!!11

So this mom walks into Urban Outfitters to get her teenage son some clothes. She starts rifling through the titles of books they have for sale. I’ve seen ‘em… lots of Sex in the City, some sexual positions book, there’s one called Porn For Women that my mom actually bought me: it’s a picture book of hot men doing housework. (HELL YES!) Anyways, this mom is PISSED OFF that U.O. would sell such smut. Why? Why is she so uptight? Why can’t she see that it’s marketing clearly targeted to college kids and that she should just ignore the book section and move on with life? Perhaps because her name is Marci Milfs. No joke.

You can’t make this shit up…

Milfs was so appalled that she is preparing to file a complaint with the city of Lynnwood, and has already aired her frustrations to State Rep. Norma Smith, R-Clinton, and organizations including Morality in Media, Concerned Women of America and the American Family Association.

She also called Urban Outfitters’ corporate office in Philadelphia.

“They said they are not sex books or pornography books, but that they are art books and their goals are to support artists,” Milfs said.

Urban Outfitters declined to comment on Milfs’ concerns.

I’m going to ride the coattails of Ryan’s post regarding Bill Bramanti’s ridiculously awesome PBR coffin with a little story of my own. Two years ago, I worked summers with my dad remodeling kitchens and bathrooms, building kitchen sets for an appliance showroom, doing general construction here and there (yes, girls can use power tools). One sticky hot afternoon, we made a dump run. I love going to the dump; it’s fun to throw things off the back of the truck and try to break as much as possible, plus you never know what other random shit you’ll find. This was a special day, for as we were backing the truck into the unloading spot, there on top of a heap of garbage, was a shiny, powder blue, cadillac of a coffin. I turned to my dad and asked in horror, “Y-y-you d-don’t think th-there’s someone IN THERE, DO YOU?” One of the guys working there heard me and laughed.

“Nah, that was a coffin that had been ordered for somebody, who ended up not liking the color. There’s a law against returning coffins so they’re just throwing it away,” he told me.

HOW WASTEFUL, right? Well, this company has the solution. Turn ‘em into couches! For a mere $3,500 you can have this Dodger blue beauty:

We at Coffincouches.com have the mindset of thinking “Green” and we know it is different but we strongly believe in recycling. Our niche happens to be 18 gauge steel coffins which we collected from local funeral homes primarily in Southern California. It is a health and safety law that funeral homes cannot resell used coffins to the general public. We approached funeral directors with the attitude of recycling. These coffins are not used for burial due to slight cosmetic inconsistencies. They are reconfigured and modified resulting in a finished product - a unique one a kind coffin couch. If you notice (although it may be too small) the six cast iron heavy duty legs are embossed with the universal biohazard insignia. The reason we utilized this sign was because safety was our utmost concern. If you are not aware, once a human body is placed in a coffin it is considered biohazard tissue. The legs have the embossed insignia for precautionary reasons in the event body fluids are exchanged on these coffins. Perhaps you would feel safe knowing that you are in designated biohazard scene! Ha!!

Yves Behar, famous for inventing the Bluetooth Jawbone design and other gadgets, has created a water for kids that could potentially change the bottle water for kids market. Y Water gives options of four different kinds of water, including Muscle, Brain, Immune and Bone drinks.

The bottles are visually stimulating as well as 100% organic, being made of material that is biodegradable, as well as reuseable for entertainment purposes. Children are encouraged to build “Y Knots” out of the bottles, to further their own creativity.

More information can be found HERE and pictures after the jump. (more…)

Here’s a little something Video Matt and I put together for you. It’s story time, kids! Today I’ll be reading a story by Sean Daley and Anthony Davis of Atmosphere that comes with the special edition of When Life Gives You Lemons, You Paint That Shit Gold. Enjoy!

For your copy of WLGYLYPTSG, simply click here and the iTunes store should open in a new window.