So for this week’s Meet the Synthesis, I’d like to introduce you to our hometown, the lovely, if not somewhat remote, Chico, CA. I would regale you with all the stats and whos, whats and wheres, but that’s why they invented Wikipedia. Instead, I will just post this YouTube clip, which in 30 seconds, encapsulates perfectly the real heart and soul of Chico.

Now you know.

Roger Clemens: World Series Champion, Cy Young winner, ageless wonder…Steroid Abuser. End of story.

The past month in major league baseball since the delivery of the Mitchell Report has seen more harumphs than Blazing Saddles. The Rocket, because of his elevated status in the statistical history of the game, has been at the eye of the storm. By now you are undoubtedly familiar with the story. Today saw five plus hours of Congressional testimony by former trainer Brian McNamee and Clemens both. Representatives jumped to the defense of both men at times, but also attacked, depending on their personal takes on the matter. Dan Burton, R-Indianapolis, vehemently defended Clemens, barraging McNamee like a school bully. But, despite Clemens making a more convincing witness than McNamee, who has admittedly made a handful of false statements, former teammate Andy Pettite has not backed down as to Clemens’ guilt. Pettite, as you may or may not know, was another major name listed in the Mitchell report, and has come clean about his use of steroids and Human Growth Hormone. He maintains that Clemens was a fellow abuser, despite their once inseparable friendship. And on top of all this, McNamee now alleges that he injected Clemens’ wife, Debbie, with HGH as well.

What a circus! Can any real good can come of these hearings? The answer: NO! Roger Clemens reputation has been permanently tarnished, and in my opinion, rightfully so. I don’t care if there is a lack of “physical evidence.” With the list of players named in the Mitchell report that have already come clean due to accusation, how does it figure that Clemens, who was detailed more than any other player, stands as some exception to guilt? Is it reasonable to assume that McNamee decided to make all of this up after players like Andy Pettite and Chuck Knoblauch, former teammates of Clemens, have already come clean to allegations? Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. I can just picture McNamee, Pettite and Knoblauch sitting around the fire in the den of a cozy log cabin, smoking big cigars and drinking brandy…

“Hey gang,” says Pettite. “Anybody up for incriminating ourselves and ruining our reputations?”
“Only if we can bring down the Rocket,” pipes in Knoblauch.
“Well,” starts McNamee, “than have I got a story for you..”

Yeah, I bet it went something like that. Then the three of them had a quick tumble in the hay and went sledding.
Roger Clemens is guilty folks. There’s nothing else to it. The world is not always the conspiratorial box of slime that lawyers might want us to believe.

I dare you to try to fuck with Aditya ‘Romeo’ Dev, the world’s smallest body builder.  Dude GOES OFF

Romeo is hoping to have an entertainment career after performing in many local TV shows. He said: “I earn good money through my dance and bodybuilding shows but being rich doesn’t interest me.

DANCE SHOWS!? That shit needs to be on YouTube, like yesterday. I mean, the only thing that kind of sucks is that dude obviously has to shop in the toddler’s section. Will someone at Tap Out or whatever PLEASE hook this dude up with some sweet gear ASAP? KTHNX

Did you know that Japanese people love McDonalds?

McDonald’s Holdings Co. (Japan) Ltd. said Thursday its consolidated net profit in 2007 was five times higher than in the previous year, totaling 7.82 billion yen on record high sales of 395.06 billion yen, up 11.1 percent.

In Japan, Ronald McDonald is actually called Donald, probably because he fucking GOES OFF so much harder than the American version that they had to call him something else (not to mention that Japanese folk sometimes have a little bit of trouble with the old Rs and Ls). Not just that, but old Donald McDonald also has a fly ass girlfriend.

AH JAPAN! Where American things that suck go to be cool!

During last night’s date of the Coheed and Cambria / Madina Lake / Circa Survive UK tour in Brixton, some building drama between headliners Coheed and support band Madina Lake apparently boiled over into fisticuffs, when a member of Madina Lake’s crew was apparently served in the middle of the band’s set by Coheed’s TM. From the band’s Myspace blog:

hey guys, it’s important to us that you know this. what happened had nothing to with balloons, confetti, how we were treated or anything like that. the tour manager of coheed physically attacked a member of our family, right there on stage in front of everyone. our dude was trying to do his job and this guy grabbed him and punched him in the face on stage in front of 5k people right in the middle of a song. fan, friend, enemy…it doesn’t matter…i’m sure you can all agree that you would defend your family if they were assaulted right in front of you, completely unprovoked. we want this to blow over as much as you guys so we won’t sit here and whine about the other shit (we never did and never will).. here’s to you and your support and how much we love you all .. cheers bitches.

You can see a bit of the action towards the end of this video off to the right of the screen:

UPDATE: The plot thickens. According to the chatter on the venerable Absolutepunk.net, the Coheed camp’s side of the story is a little different. It goes thusly:

“So, about halfway through the tour, ML was asked kindly to stop using confetti-filled balloons onstage so that the stage would not be a confetti and water covered disaster area for Coheed’s set. A simple enough request, but ML continued to use the balloons for every night after that. Before the show that all this happened at, there was a big meeting with all the bands, the tour managers, and the Kerrang manager. The agreement was that ML has GOT to stop using the balloons, and they agreed to that.

But, before their set, someone found 20 or so filled balloons that they had hidden away so no one would find them. This made Claudio very mad, because it was a simple request that they even agreed to honor. So he went and popped all of the balloons beforehand with a pen so they couldn’t use those and had no time to fill more.

This made ML angry. So they were dissing Coheed onstage. And then one of ML’s guitar techs comes out with a big box of confetti to dump over everything. One of Coheed’s techs sees this and grabs him in an attempt to stop him. When ML sees this, the band comes over to Coheed’s tech and beat him with their own instruments.”

DAMN.

Since it’s Friday and I don’t really want to think all that hard, instead of usual erudite postings, I’m just gonna post a bunch of YouTube videos of fat guys shooting guns. FUCK WITH IT!

And just to spice it up, here’s a fat KID getting SHOT with a gun. Look at that surprise twist!!!!onehundredeleven!!

Don’t you feel worse now? If you want to feel even worse, you should check out the ultimate fat guy with a gun video of all time, the footage of Pennsylvania State Treasurer Budd Dwyer blowing his brains out on live TV. IF YOU DONT WANT TO SEE SOMEONE KILL THEMSELVES DO NOT WATCH THIS VIDEO. How’s that for a real pick me up!? THNX INTERNET!