I hold with the utmost contention that Nickelback is the indeed the lamest mainstream rock band of the last 25 years. Lamer than Creed, lamer than Poison, lamer than even Limp Bizkit. I’m listening to “Rockstar” right now, and I just can’t believe it. Is there no limit to Nickelback’s level of cheese? A sample of lyrics:

I wanna be great like Elvis without the tassels
Hire eight body guards that like to beat up assholes
Sign a couple autographs
So I can eat my meals for free
(I’ll have the quesadilla, ha, ha)

The popularity of this band simply baffles me. All of their songs reek. I’m not saying they’re bad guys—they do what they can for charity and all that jazz. But their music is just the most absurd melodramatic bullshit imaginable. All The Right Reasons 7x platinum? Dear God. It’s all too much…

Benjamin Franklin invented the glass armonica in 1761 after being profoundly moved by the sounds of the glass harp. Little did he know that his instrument WAS THE DEVIL:

German musicologist Friedrich Rochlitz stated “the armonica excessively stimulates the nerves, plunges the player into a nagging depression and hence into a dark and melancholy mood that is apt method for slow self-annihilation. If you are suffering from any nervous disorder, you should not play it; if you are not yet ill you should not play it; if you are feeling melancholy you should not play it.”

The glass armonica’s sound is perceived by human ears differently than other instruments because its range is between 1,000 and 4,000 hertz. When sounds are below 4,000 hertz, the human brain compares “phase differences” between the left and right ears to triangulate the origin of the sound rather than comparing volumes. This causes hearing disorientation and a “not quite sure” feeling about where the sound is coming from.

See for yourself, BUT BE WARNED! YOU COULD GO INSANE!!!

Apparently it’s YouTube Day for Ms. Nickels. Anyway, remember little Charlie and the finger biting incident? People LOVE that Charlie! What an effortless lil comedian! He’s got 20something MILLION EFFING VIEWS and has our Video Matt steaming from jealousy.

And here’s the semi-decent Charlie Bit Me song that the talented Ainslie Henderson wrote just for him. It has almost 40,000 views. See, kids, putting effort into shit makes it not as funny.

Someone caught this slightly aggro moment on tape.

If Madonna went to Chico State (our local college) she’d probably frequent the bars Riley’s and Franky’s and take her shirt off a lot. I can see it now, the frat bros hollering, “YEAH! Chico! WOOO!!!” the sorority girls crying, “OMG, WHAT A BETCH!” and me googling that Urban Dictionary word I saw the other day… damn, what was it?

Barsexual: A heterosexual girl or woman who partakes in any sort of sexual or promiscuous activity with another female to get attention from males. This usually takes the form of making out, and to a lesser extent, grinding or dry humping with another female.

This is a common sight at bars (hence the word barsexual) but can also be found at any party, especially frat parties. [and now, Madonna concerts!]

The reason for such acts has baffled researchers for years, but it is thought that they seek attention [Madonna], free drinks, or are prudes too scared to get with men.

What was, earlier this year, the last ditch, pull-in-case-of-emergency contingency option of declaring bankrupcy has becoming the reality for the city of Vallejo, whose city council voted unanimously last night to file for Chapter 9 Bankruptcy Protection:

The council and several speakers said the city simply will have no money on July 1 and cannot tell its employees to come to work because there is no money to pay them. Councilwoman Stephanie Gomes, an ardent supporter of the city’s filing for bankruptcy, said, “I want to make sure the City Council is in charge of this city and not those who comprise 80 percent of our general fund.” Countering the assertion that bankruptcy would tarnish the city’s image, Gomes said, “Who wants to move to a city that can’t address its problems?” Mayor Osby Davis said bankruptcy would be “a long, hard, difficult process.” “We will rise out of this darkness and we will shine again,” Davis said.

Good luck brah! In a stroke of utter coincidence…Vallejo’s most famous export, N2Deep is playing here in Chico tonight. POUR SOME OUT FOR THE HOMIES BACK IN V-TOWN RELLIE! Maybe they could help kickstart the local economy by opening a “Back to the Hotel” themed hotel. Could be a real winnar!