Fossilized feces, dating back some 14,000 years, stands as the oldest human remains found in America. The ancient shit, found in, of all places, Oregon, “offers important new DNA evidence about the identity of the first North Americans, say the researchers, who published their findings Thursday in the online edition of the Journal Science.” University of Oregon (go Ducks!) archaeologist Dennis Jenkins found the feces in the Paisley caves, which are located in the south-central part of the state. These ancestral leavings, and the genetic data contained therein, suggest that the earliest North American settlers probably came from Eastern Asia and Siberia.

The oldest piece is 14,300 years old, and the samples contain genetic material that is unique to that of the modern indigenous people of North and South American, says Eske Willerslev, a Danish expert in ancient DNA and one of the authors of the paper. It also is similar to DNA found in modern people in East Asia and Siberia.

It also counters a number of theories that suggest the first North Americans were close relatives of ancient Australians, Japanese, Pacific Islanders, southern Asians or black Africans.

The discovery also deflates another popular theory that the earliest settlers of the continent were descendants of the Clovis people, a highly skilled group of hunters who were believed to have come to North America 13,000 years ago across the land bridge that connected Alaska to Siberia. Further inspection of the feces also determined that whoever had left it had gorged him or herself on a meal of sage grouse and chipmunk one day prior to evacuation. Not vegan.

Feel free to make up your own jokes, starting now. When I was a kid, Indiana Jones made me want to be an archaeologist, but he was banging hot barmaids in Nepal, saving the world from the Nazis and uncovering mythical religious artifacts. I suppose finding millennia old shit is pretty cool, too, in it’s own right, but I couldn’t imagine watching Harrison Ford poke around a caveman’s turd for a couple hours would be all that entertaining. What I’m trying to say is, The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is going to rule.

Celebrity interviewer/scene reporter/vlogger Davidjr.com is posting daily updates on the Gen Art Film Festival over the course of this week. The festival runs from April 2nd to April 8th in New York City and features seven feature-length and short films by emerging young filmmakers in seven days.

This is the video for day one of the festival and it features Matthew Broderick, Alan Alda (promoting their film Diminished Capacity), Julianna Margulies and many others.

The reason is you can do pretty much whatever the hell you want. Like if you’re Robin Williams and you decide “fuck it, wifey’s getting old, and that artist I was introduced to at that party was making eyes. It’s ON.” Pretty sure that’s exactly how it happened. The celebrity-gossip blogosphere is BUZZING with the news that Funnyman Robin Williams has been boinking 27-year-old artist Charlotte Filbert. This was originally reported by the bastions of supermarket aisle integrity, The National Enquirer. No, I’m pretty sure they didn’t use the term “boinking.” That’s all mine. Trying to bring that one back. The pair were introduced by mutual friend Ally Hillfinger (erstwhile television personality and daughter of Tommy).

In the Feudal Age Kings could be - and indeed were SUPPOSED to be - dirty old men. In fact, for us mere mortal men, that’s like the one thing we have to look forward to once the pubes go gray: being a dirty old man. Infidelity aside, I can sympathize with poor Williams, 56 years old, famous and deciding he wants to fuck something that less resembles a baseball mitt (no offense to soon-to-be former Mrs. Williams, I’m speaking in general here).

Wait, never mind. Yeeeeeichh. Maybe 25 years ago… The couple had been separated for upwards of two years (as some reports claim), and divorce papers were filed on 3/21/08. Now the Williams will be working out the blood money…and this claim surfaces two weeks after the papers were filed? COINCIDENCE?

I guess that’s one thing that separates Feudal Royalty from Today’s Stars: You still gotta pay out the nose for your misdeeds. That and you don’t need to worry about getting scurvy.

He’s back… Sacha Baron Cohen now takes on the character of gay Austrian “Bruno” in a new upcoming movie rumored to be titled Brüno: Delicious Journeys Through America for the Purpose of Making Heterosexual Males Visibly Uncomfortable in the Presence of a Gay Foreigner in a Mesh T-Shirt. Here, he’s at the Wichita airport in Kansas, making Midwesterners nervous:

It was enough to make the officials at the airport rewrite their policy on commercial filming inside the terminal. The film crew had gotten permission to tape a scene based on a “European man visiting America”. Things got scary when the actors start dancing in tight short shorts, kissing, and fighting in the airport. Security couldn’t find anything illegal about it but they told them to kick rocks anyway.

Today, one of our favorite Scotsman turns 36: Ewan McGregor. Though the star of many a fine film (Big Fish, Moulin Rouge, Black Hawk Down), for my money McGregor will always be remembered best for his role as Renton in Trainspotting.

“It’s shite being Scottish! We’re the lowest of the low. The scum of the fucking Earth! The most wretched, miserable, servile, pathetic trash that was ever shat into civilization. Some hate the English. I don’t. They’re just wankers! We, on the other hand, are colonized by wankers. Can’t even find a decent culture to be colonized by! We’re ruled by effete assholes. It’s a shite state of affairs to be in, Tommy, and all the fresh air in the world won’t make any fucking difference!”

In her latest movie 21, Kate Bosworth and co-star Jim Sturgess thought it’d be best to have a few drinks to loosen up before shooting their sex scene. Their drug of choice? Grey Goose, of course. Bosworth said:

“As we continued to drink … it just became sloppy and messy. I couldn’t stand up at one point.”

This begs the question: Does art imitate life? 21 is in theaters starting today.