Actress Scarlett Johansson has taken to the music game with a May 20th release date of her debut album Anywhere I Lay My Head. Her first video, for the track “Falling Down,” has been met with yawns and surly criticism, but I’m fairly sure that she could fart on a snare drum and I’d listen to it. Wait, that was gross. Okay, if she were to have just a recording of her breathing and chewing on food and belching, I would totally buy it. I’m not joking. Check out the video here (though I don’t know if this is official, you get an idea of her music…):

Vivid Entertainment announced plans to release a sex tape allegedly starring Jimi Hendrix. Apparently, the footage was shot some 40 years ago in a hotel room with two women.  Interesting how all these celebrity sex tapes are surfacing from over 35 years ago. Hoax? You be the judge…

Like many comedians, Mike Myers has had some career ups and downs. Sure Wayne’s World, So I Married an Ax Murderer and the first Austin Powers movies cannot be touched, but I wasn’t sold on the rest of the Powers franchise, and Shrek always kinda bugged the bejesus out of me. Until I see if for myself I will reserve judgment on his new feature film, The Love Guru (in theaters 6/20).

The plot follows Pitka (Myers), an American baby left at an Indian Ashram doorstep and raised by mystics, and his rise to fame and fortune as a self-help guru. His newest mission is to reunite a black hockey player (I know, HA-HA) with his estranged wife so that he can win the Stanley Cup…or something like that. I don’t know, I kinda spaced out half-way through the second Rehashed Austin Powers joke. Oh yeah, shoot, I’m supposed to be reserving my judgment…

In the plus side, there are a few Hindu Spiritual Leaders already up in arms about the film, namely Rajan Zed who read the first Hindu Prayer in the US Senate in 2007. But I actually take the upsetting of fundamentalists to be a good sign for the movie. Comedy should be swatting the bee hive a little bit. In comedic terms, “safe” is another way of saying “shite.”

Anyway, here’s the trailer:

I’m glad Cornershop is making some sync rights money from the movie. Their “When I Was Born For the Seventh Time” album was way fun back in the day.

(Photo from Bossip.)

Homeboy could slay a vampire, but not his taxes. Actor Wesley Snipes has been sentenced to three years in prison for tax evasion, having been found guilty on “three misdemeanor counts of willful failure to file federal tax returns.”

From the Sacramento Bee:

Snipes made a $5 million payment to the treasury on Thursday, but prosecutors called it a grandstanding move.
“It”ll be a fraction of what he owes,” said Assistant U.S. Attorney M. Scotland Morris, who made the argument for the government.
Morris said a rough estimate of Snipes’ outstanding tax liability, with penalties and interest, will exceed $20 million.
“Snipes’ long prison sentence should send a loud and crystal clear message to all tax defiers that if they engage in similar tax defier conduct, they face joining him and his co-defendants, Kahn and Rosile, as inmates in prison,” said Nathan J. Hochman, Assistant Attorney General of the Justice Department’s Tax Division, in a news release.

Isn’t that how Capone went down? Now the only thing up for debate is whether Snipes will be a top or a bottom. (I’m or course referring to bunk bed options…)

Having previously read a bit about The Great Year, a documentary narrated by James Earl Jones (so you KNOW that shit is gonna be serious) I was stoked to see it on Dailygrail the other day up for streaming on the always radtacular Google Video. Anyone interested in 2012, ancient civilizations, and Zeitgeist-type intrigue should take an hour and check this shit out. Here’s the pitch from the DVD one sheet:

The Great Year, is the term that some ancient civilizations use to describe the slow precession of the equinox through the twelve houses of the ancient zodiac, a period that takes about 24,000 years. Different cultures refer to this cycle by different names including: the Platonic year, Perfect year, Yuga cycle, Ages of Man or just the equinoctial cycle, but one thing is clear, it was known to virtually every ancient culture throughout the globe. In their epic work Hamlet’s Mill Giorgio de Santillana and Hertha von Dechend document the great year tale and point out it was the number one topic woven into myths and folklore around the ancient world. Why were our ancestors so fascinated by this subject that they memorized stories that were passed down for thousands of years and built megalithic structures on every continent to monitor this movement? We think it is because the tales are true! That is, as the Sun curves through space carrying the Earth with it, our bodies and our planet move to a region where they are affected by different cosmic forces that indirectly result in the rise and fall of civilization. As mans consciousness expands and contracts, and the cycle plays out, just like a solar year with its seasons, it results in great ages of enlightenment and dark ages of misery. Indeed, the archaeological record shows a broad decline of ancient civilizations beginning about 5000 years ago, a long world wide dark age and then finally a rise in consciousness with the renaissance continuing to the present day. Were the tales and myths and stone henges really just for amusement and farming? Or is Hamlet’s Mill correct: folklore is the scientific language of ancient times, and they were trying tell us of the dark days to come, and trying desparetly to preserve knowledge in the pyramids and megaliths and temples so carefully aligned to the heavens incorporating sophisticated mathematical principles.This is the story of the Great Year and new scientific evidence to support it. Recent solar system studies seem to indicate that precession is indeed caused by a curving motion of our sun through space. While not yet widely accepted, if true it a startling finding confirming the wisdom of the ancients. 

Yes, it’s true. The venerable What Would Tyler Durden Do has posted 8 upskirt photos of Emma Watson, aka Hermione from the Harry Potter movies. That sound you hear is 3453429485 /b/-tards throwing a batch all over their computer screens. In other news, doesn’t Emma Watson know that if you’re gonna show your box on the internet you should shave first? Just ask Vannessa Hudgens.