(Photo from Bossip.)

Homeboy could slay a vampire, but not his taxes. Actor Wesley Snipes has been sentenced to three years in prison for tax evasion, having been found guilty on “three misdemeanor counts of willful failure to file federal tax returns.”

From the Sacramento Bee:

Snipes made a $5 million payment to the treasury on Thursday, but prosecutors called it a grandstanding move.
“It”ll be a fraction of what he owes,” said Assistant U.S. Attorney M. Scotland Morris, who made the argument for the government.
Morris said a rough estimate of Snipes’ outstanding tax liability, with penalties and interest, will exceed $20 million.
“Snipes’ long prison sentence should send a loud and crystal clear message to all tax defiers that if they engage in similar tax defier conduct, they face joining him and his co-defendants, Kahn and Rosile, as inmates in prison,” said Nathan J. Hochman, Assistant Attorney General of the Justice Department’s Tax Division, in a news release.

Isn’t that how Capone went down? Now the only thing up for debate is whether Snipes will be a top or a bottom. (I’m or course referring to bunk bed options…)

Britain’s favorite little drug addict was at it again last night, reportedly punching Moroccan musician Mustapha el Mounmi in the face and head butting a stranger who was trying to hail her a cab…

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Mom, Dad, don’t read this one. Do you ever have those times in your life where it seems like you keep seeing the same random things? Like that week where every time I had to stand in line for something, there would be a group of retarded people in front of me, taking FOREVER to place their orders and pay for their shit. EVEN when I had gone out of town. That was annoying and I’m glad it’s over. But this week it seems like everything comes back to The Dick…

It started with HBO’s Real Sex episode my roommate and I watched. The focus was strap-ons. Captivated, we both agreed that we couldn’t die without partaking in strap-on fun. Add it to my list of things to do.

Then I kept having these strange dreams about inverted penises… Then everything began to look phallic to me. My boss’ speakers pique my curiosity… just yesterday, someone randomly brought up the pervertedness of The Little Mermaid… I hesitantly ate sausages last night… And this morning I read this:

Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men’s penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft.

Reports of so-called penis snatching are not uncommon in West Africa, where belief in traditional religions and witchcraft remains widespread, and where ritual killings to obtain blood or body parts still occur.

Rumors of penis theft began circulating last week in Kinshasa, Democratic Republic of Congo’s sprawling capital of some 8 million inhabitants. They quickly dominated radio call-in shows, with listeners advised to beware of fellow passengers in communal taxis wearing gold rings.

Purported victims, 14 of whom were also detained by police, claimed that sorcerers simply touched them to make their genitals shrink or disappear, in what some residents said was an attempt to extort cash with the promise of a cure.

“You just have to be accused of that, and people come after you. We’ve had a number of attempted lynchings. … You see them covered in marks after being beaten,” Kinshasa’s police chief, Jean-Dieudonne Oleko, told Reuters on Tuesday.

Police arrested the accused sorcerers and their victims in an effort to avoid the sort of bloodshed seen in Ghana a decade ago, when 12 suspected penis snatchers were beaten to death by angry mobs. The 27 men have since been released.

“I’m tempted to say it’s one huge joke,” Oleko said.

“But when you try to tell the victims that their penises are still there, they tell you that it’s become tiny or that they’ve become impotent. To that I tell them, ‘How do you know if you haven’t gone home and tried it’,” he said.

Some Kinshasa residents accuse a separatist sect from nearby Bas-Congo province of being behind the witchcraft in revenge for a recent government crackdown on its members.

“It’s real. Just yesterday here, there was a man who was a victim. We saw. What was left was tiny,” said 29-year-old Alain Kalala, who sells phone credits near a Kinshasa police station.

That sucks!!!!! Stay the eff away from my man!

April 20th has come and gone, but not before it saw thousands of adolescents across the country tokin’ up and getting down with some fine herb. If you happened to partake in the festivities however, you may want to be wary. A bout of lead poisoning in Leipzig, Germany baffled doctors and it looks like Mary Jane was to blame.

According to a report in the New England Journal of Medicine, over the past 3-4 months about 29 incidents of lead poisoning were reported in the Leipzig area. This alarmed city officials, as Leipzig has been lead poison free in recent decades, and they were eager to discover the cause of the poisoning in case a public threat were imminent. Finally after probing the victims for background information, the culprit was revealed…

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Some people might find it shocking that 58% of music in the US isn’t paid for but hey - that means 42% of music IS paid for in the US!

I’m really glad I got a text from our good friend and balls champion earlier today. You see, I was about to go out on the street and slang, and I was about to do it all wrong. My boy told me to look up “Thug life Commandments,” and I’m glad he did. In Thug Life’s “Ten Crack Commandments Interpreted by True OGs,” we learn the tips of the trade, and ways to continue to follow the true American entrepreneurial spirit without getting shot or locked up.

Take for instance Rule #5. I was about to start selling meth to college freshmen out of my bedroom, but now I know better.:

5th Commandment
Never Sell No Crack Where You Rest At

If you sell crack where you lay yo head, yo crib gon become a target fo 5-0, jackers, addicts and niggas who rob slangas. To avoid this heat, git you some crack houses, Find abandoned cribs in da hood and tak’em over. Fortify yo shit wit security bars, steel doors and security cameras and git you some young and up and coming hoods to be yo lookouts.

Not sure how well this translates from crack to meth, but it’s a good start, and some decent guidelines for sure. This is the shit that the characters in The Wire kinda gloss over. It’s like they figure you should already know this shit because you grew up with it. That’s fucked. Us suburban middle class-raised white folks sure have a major disadvantage. KnowaddimeSane?