Good news: Coffee’s not bad for you! Bad news: Unless you smoke when you drink it. But, good news: if you’re an alcoholic you must drink coffee!

If you’re like me, that is broke and lazy with an addictive personality who smokes and drinks all the time, this is probably some pretty good news for you. I’ve been killing time for years smoking and drinking alcohol and coffee the whole time thinking I was killing myself. But apparently the combination of the three sort of works for you in that the cigarettes make the coffee bad and the coffee protects the liver from all the poison of getting smashed every night. So, instead of all three of those things wreaking havoc on your insides, it’s really just one. I feel much better about my life now. I’m gonna go buy a pack.

The Toxic Avenger Musical (written by one of the Bon Jovi dudes, for reals) right HERE.

Vaselines right HERE.

bleh

What the hell was Pepsi thinking? The new logos look like Obama’s American Sunshine and Happiness logo and the old Pepsi logo got together and made a god forsaken logo baby. I am also wondering why the stripe of white has different widths on each different kind of Pepsi. Is that some kind of measurement of radiation, who knows? Apparently Pepsi does not credit their consumers with an abundance of intelligence, the only complete words on any of the bottles are Pepsi and dew. “Cal” and “Carb” are acceptable abbreviations, but “Sug” is only two letters away from the real deal and there is plenty of space on that hideous label. Years from now soda will be identified by color only, we will no longer have the need to actually read anything. Yes, you heard it here, the Pepsi corporation is attempting to slowly dumb-down the entire U.S. population in order to make us mindless, brown(or green)-soda drinking, consumer zombies. Once this zombification is complete all other beverages will be banned. A Jack and Coke will become a Pepsi and nothing. You have been warned.

Starbucks has plans to close around 600 stores that don’t perform to their standards. This will eliminate 12,000 full and part time employees. The store closures will happen at the end of the first half of the fiscal year; aka September 2009. Severence costs could be up to $348 million. Only 200 new U.S. stores are set to open in 2009. Better start digging out your best local coffee shops or switch to Peet’s. It might be nice not to see that green Starbucks symbol every block. Kick the expensive habit or get angry?

Here at the Synthesis the employees loooooove their coffee in the morning. Our downtown Pete’s Coffee location must thank the lord above for their close proximity to our office because their pockets get lined with cash on a daily basis out of the deal. I, however, am a weirdo and don’t drink coffee. I love the smell, but the taste, the fact that it makes me shit my guts out, my fear of yellow teeth and coffee breath, and the fact that I don’t need another vice in my life have always made me steer clear.

This is why people like me love the fact that the Synthesis and Red Bull work together. I have my own solution to getting my caffeine fix. I take one of the free Sugar Free Red Bulls out of our little Red Bull fridge they provided us, down that shit in about 2.2 seconds, then just sip on water for the rest of the morning. In about 22 minutes I have pleeeeeeeenty of energy to do things like write this blog. Plus it is a great cure for a hangover if you add three Advil in to the mix. Fuck with it!!

From Craigslist:

Nemesis required. 6-month project with possibilty to extend
Date: 2008-05-07, 2:49PM PDT
I’ve been trying to think of ways to spice up my life. I’m 35 years old, happily married with two kids and I have a good job in insurance. But somethings missing. I feel like I’m old before my time. I need to inject some excitement into my daily routine through my arm before its too late. I need a challenge, something to get the adrenaline pumping again. An addiction would be nice, but, in short, I need a nemesis. I’m willing to pay $350 up front for you services as an arch enemy over the next six months. Nothing crazy. Steal my parking space, knock my coffee over, trip me when Im running to catch the BART and occasionaly whisper in my ear, “Ahha, we meet again”. That kind of thing. Just keep me on my toes. Complacency will be the death of me. You need to have an evil streak and be blessed with innate guile and cunning. You should also be adept at inconsicuous pursuit. Evil laugh preferred. Send me a photo and a brief explanation why you would be a good nemesis.
British accent preferred.
* it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
* Compensation: $350 up front
PostingID: 672031640

Shit, man! I want a nemesis now, too! Oh wait, I have a boss, boyfriend, and two roommates. Nevermind, forget it.