[The following column, printed in the Monday, May 5th edition of Synthesis Weekly, is an installment from our literature columnist, Emilie Clark.]

Things I’ve Learned From Women Who’ve Dumped Me
Edited by Ben Karlin
Grand Central Publishing

In an interesting turn on the book cover theme: Things I’ve Learned From Women Who’ve Dumped Me, an anthology of essays penned exclusively by men, has a very blue cover. I think it is cornflower blue, but not being an interior design major, I might be wrong about that. Anyway, it seems that sometimes men also get stereotyped and gendered through the use of infantilizing color schemes. But I will say that this blue is a much nicer color than the pink of last week, and I was not embarrassed at all to be seen reading this book. My manly boyfriend says the color wouldn’t embarrass him either. So there you have it.
The premise of this book is pretty obvious. A number of famous and semi-famous male authors and comedians tackle some break-ups and the lessons learned from them. Andy Richter talks about how hard it was for a teenager of his girth to find a girlfriend; Stephen Colbert writes about an old girlfriend, but lets his wife redact the naughty bits; and Neal Pollack tells an especially hilarious cautionary tale about midnight emissions and pets.
Most of the stories are pretty funny, some of the laugh out loud variety, and some of them even have a bit of heart. But I was surprisingly underwhelmed. As I read the list of contributors, my anticipation grew strong, but a lot of the big names seem to have just phoned it in. Standouts include “A Dog is No Reason to Say Together” by Damian Kulash Jr., singer of OK Go, who tells an intriguingly honest story about a relationship that could have been mine or anyone else I know. It’s about that kind of pre-marriage long-term relationship where the terms and contracts are really hard to define and you’re not sure how or when it should end. Another standout is Barbara Karlin’s forward, “I Think My Son is a Catch.” I’m sure you can guess what it’s about.
(more…)

Last week I detailed my experience getting run out of Starbucks like a filthy vagrant despite my dedicated years of patronage. I got a response from the corporate office that said they had forwarded my e-mail to the district manager, who would be contacting me soon. Today I received said dispatch:

Daniel~
My name is Cheryl and I am the district manager for Starbucks Coffee Company in the Chico, Red Bluff and Susanville area. I am sorry not to have responded sooner, but did not get your email forwarded to me until my day off. I am currently looking into this and will be addressing it ASAP! Something that concerns me is that for an extended period your drink has been given a derogatory name, I’m ok with that if you call it that but not our partners, it is essentially a no water Iced Americano, which is a menu item just as a triple iced espresso is! I am very sorry for your experience and hope to be able to make it right for you, not only for your last experience but the continued experience! Please feel free to contact me and thank you so much for bringing this to our attention!

AH, VINDICATION! Even better was the fact that in the interim, I had already pinned a far lulzier version of my original e-mail for publication in the weekly edition of the Synthesis, which hit the streets this morning. It is reproduced below for your edification. More updates are sure to follow!!11 Stay tuned…

(more…)

I was just snooping around MySpace, checkin’ everyone’s comments out to see what’s up, when I came across a flier promoting an N2Deep show at LaSalles, a local watering hole in Chico.

“WTF?” says I. “Why do I know that name?”

Then I YouTubed them. “Back to the Hotel” yes yes I remember. Now I’m a little embarrassed to admit that I actually wanna go to the show. And I actually want to interview Jay Tee. While some people may think the retro days of boy rap groups are wack, I’ll embrace this shit for a minute if only for the nostalgia. At least these cats are coming through my small-ass town finally! And not even to the Senator, but to LaSalles! Maybe I can even drink one of these with Jay Tee:

Ah the irony! On the same day that their new earning report showed a 21% drop in quarterly earnings, widely attributed to a drop-off in customers, the Downtown Chico Starbucks, which I’ve been fiercely loyal to for the last five years, if not longer, lost me as a twice-daily customer on account of some stupid ass shit. For your edification, I’ll reproduce here the letter I wrote to Starbucks customer service department:

I’ve been going to the Starbucks in Downtown Chico every day, some times, two or three times a day, for the last five years, if not longer. It truly had become, to borrow the Starbucks parlance, my “third place”. For about the last year I’ve been ordering the exact same drink, every single time: three shots on ice in a venti cup. The baristas usually joke about it being a “ghetto latte” since it is cheaper than getting an iced latte but essentially the same thing once you put some cream in it. However, with all the signage in place saying things like “your drink should be perfect” etc, I really didn’t think it was a big deal. Today however, the manager of the store (who has served me the drink in question dozens of times) informed me that I was “stealing” from Starbucks by putting milk in my drink and made it clear that me and my business were no longer wanted, or needed, all in front of the numerous people waiting in line behind me This is unfortunate in many ways, not the least of which is the fact that, in my job as a writer for local, regional and national print and online publications, I have always made it a habit to talk about how much I love Starbucks, despite the hipness currently associated with corporate bashing. I have defended Starbucks in the face of criticism more times than I can count, but now I wish that I had chosen otherwise. If you want to bill me for all the milk I’ve “stolen” over the last 5 years of patronage my address is above.

Fuck it. Peets is better anyway.

We recently had the wonderful opportunity to have Fred Mascherino and Matt Fleishman from The Color Fred come by Synthesis Weekly Managing Editor Ryan Prado’s apartment above the historic Senator Theatre here in Chico to play a couple songs acoustic and chat about life. Needless to say, they were fucking badass. Check out “Complaintor” above and then go to our YouTube channel to see them perform “If I Surrender” and see the interview sesh. And if that doesn’t get your Color Fred jones fulfilled, you can also download our sparkling new Macbeth Digital Magazine, which includes an in-depth interview with Fred himself, along with other exclusive interviews, style guides, music and videos from all the wonderful Macbeth sponsored bands. LEARN ABOUT IT

I had to kick a she-bum out of my backyard this morning for attempting to hijack our recycling. And no, our yard is not open to the alley; she strolled right on through the back gate and right up to the house to hunt for bottles and cans.

Upon being caught red-handed, the 40 year old (looking more like 60) derelict responded, “The girl and guy told me I could take them. They said I could get them whenever I wanted. Does she still live here?” Hmmm… Last time I checked my roommates don’t give filthy street urchins open invitations to scavenge our home. But what? What is that you say?

“Why would I lie?”

Meaning, why wouldn’t I believe you? Oh I don’t know. Maybe because you’re a squalid and contemptible vagabond with no teeth and streaks of black grease all over your face.

Have a nice day! Come back soon!

BUMS: Part 1