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Archive for May, 2008
Hulk Hogan Affair
Author: ryan19 May
Hulk Hogan has had better years to be sure. Even after his comeback as host of American Gladiators, and his reality TV show, Hogan couldn’t seem to fight the frothing lusts of the paparazzi, as information has come to light of a purported Hogan affair. Son Nick Hogan was recently picked up for reckless driving, and the whole goddamn thing is too much for Brooke Hogan, who has apparently gone over the edge and is in the throes of a mental breakdown.
Maybe the gods are trying to tell you something, Hulk: You should have quit while you were ahead. You should have retired after you bodyslammed Andre the Giant at Wrestlemania III, or after you bodyslammed Earthquake in the mid-’90s. Or at least after your cameo in Rocky III (because Suburban Commando sucked). Don’t slander your image anymore than you already have; there’s still an army of aging Hulkamaniacs ready to stay in school and eat their vitamins. I promise, it’s not too late…
This just in: Barry Zito fucking suuuuuucks.
Author: The Sloth19 May
Anybody who even remotely pays attention to sports heard about the 7 year 126 MILLION dollar contract Barry Zito signed with the Giants before last season. At the time it was viewed by everyone but the Giants front office as a financially irresponsible signing, but now it has turned in to nothing short of the worst free agent acquisition EVAR!!! Zito’s record is now an historically bad 0-8, and even though he has been “better” since being demoted to the bullpen for a few days, in his last start 14 out of the 28 hitters he face reached base. I would be willing to bet that if you put a batting tee at home plate instead of Barry Zito 14 out of 28 batters wouldn’t reach base. I mean, that’s almost hard to do. Shit, I’ll bet that even if Bengie Molina pulled a Crash Davis (Major League is a cinematic masterpiece btw) and told the hitters what was coming it would STILL be hard for 14 out of 28 of them to reach base!
Not that he needs any more money, but I just thought of a great endorsement deal for Zito to sign. He would be the perfect spokesman for a chiropractor, because his neck has got to be sore from whipping his head around so often and watching all of those balls leave the yard.
Great signing Brian Sabean!!! You are now 0 for the last 5 years and you STILL HAVE A JOB!!! Wow Giants. wow.
Synthesis Band You’ve Never Heard Of…OF THE DAY!!111 - Russian Circles
Author: Daniel Taylor19 May
I found out about the instrumental fucking badassness that is Russian Circles the old fashioned way, at least for me. I hadn’t even ever heard their name when I got their CD submitted for review by their publicist. The sad fact about review copies is that, being that we get about A HUNDERD a day around here, very few of them actually get listened to by yours truly, rather they get farmed out to our stable of review studs, or fucked directly off into the shit pile. But Russian Circles had that certain air about their CD, it just looked like the band responsible for it didn’t give a fuck. I mean, check it out:
Plus, it was on Suicide Squeeze, a label responsible for many similar such surprise bands-that-rule scenarios in the past (including one of my fav bands EVAR, The Six Parts Seven). Sweetening the pot even further was the fact that Station was produced by Matt Bayles, who is responsible for both some of the heaviest (Mastodon, Norma Jean) and some of the most epic sounding (Isis, Minus the Bear) records around. Not coincidentally, epic and heavy would be the two adjectives I would be most likely to use when describing Russian Circles. Less stoned than Isis, but more ballsy than Mogwai, the six jams on Station are long, but not drawn out, combing molten riffs with gently tapped melodic passages to create a musical backdrop for all sorts of gangster ass shit. Seriously, this record kicks fucking ass. Period.
Even more badass is the fact that the band’s current tour with Daughters is actually coming through Chico next month, so I get to jack them off not only in print, but in person too! Dates after tha jumppPppPppP: (more…)
Family Files Lawsuit Two Years After 12-Year-Old Crippled By Line Drive
Author: some guy19 May
A couple years back a 12-year-old kid got hit just above the heart on the mound with a line drive in a rec league baseball game. The boy’s heart stopped beating and his brain was deprived of oxygen for over 15 minutes, resulting in disastrous bodily harm. Two years later, the family of the wounded child is now suing the bat manufacturer (Hillerich & Bradsby Co., maker of the 31 inch, 19 ounce aluminum Louisville Slugger), Little League Baseball for sanctioning the bat (even though it wasn’t a Little League game) and the Sports Authority for selling the bat at their store.
This is quite the lawsuit. The whole basis of the family’s case is that the bat is unsafe (too light, basically). But the reality is that bats of these whip like caliber have been in use for years on end. In my personal opinion, they are too light, but the durability of aluminum forced out wood bats at the youth league level long ago. Considering these factors, I think this seems to be an unfortunate case of a devastated family that simply is looking for someone to blame for a very tragic accident. This is not Little League’s fault, nor Louisville Slugger’s, nor the sporting goods store.
I do believe that the incredibly lightweight nature of aluminum youth league bats is consistently dangerous (that’s why they changed oz. rules to -3 for high-schools near the millennium), but until parents and leagues are willing to pony up the cash to switch back to wood, aluminum bats will remain what they are.
Paramore Being Crazy @ The Hard Rock Cafe, Episode 3
Author: Daniel Taylor19 May
In the final episode of Video Matt’s most recent installment of the legendary Paramore Being Crazy video series, Hayley pwns the band about tempos at soundcheck while Video Matt weeps tears of joy at being so close to the woman he loves. To see the rest of the footage from the show, and the 34532 other videos in the long-running Paramore Being Crazy series, check out our YouTube channel. Or fuck directly off!
Carrot Top is Over 40 Years Old and Can CRUSH You
Author: spencer19 May
Carrot Top, (born Scott Thompson, February 25, 1965), is an entertainment anomaly. First making a name for himself as a prop comic, for a time he was the butt of everyone’s jokes. You’d find him popping up in random places (anyone else ever listen to his unlikely audio commentary on Rules of Attraction? I got through about 15 minutes of it before I started clawing at my wrists…)
Well, as it turns out, Carrot Top is NOT to be fucked with. No idea if it’s legit or the work of the roids, but there’s no way around it: Carrot Top could crush you.
He kinda looks like Chico’s most famous transsexual ice cream shop manager, Tedra.
scaaaary!
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