Today’s Boner News

There’s been a lot of talk about boners lately and not just mine. But like official news and shit too.

Erection-related news item #1: This one is especially poignant for me, as it involves another of my favorite things in the world and a frequent topic of discussion in the this very space, the black widow spider. Apparently, men who are bitten by the Latrodectus mactans, a variety of black widow found in South America, suffer a rather Kafkaesque side effect: boners that last for days and involuntary ejaculations. Sounds kind of like 8th grade. According to local folklore, after suffering through the ordeal, the men are left (sexually energized.� In fact, Chilean men who are particularly virile and are known to lay some serious pipe are described as (spider bitten.� Of course, with the science of boners now being a multi-billion dollar industry, scientists have been studying the venom of Latrodectus mactans in an attempt to use it's boner-inducment for possible erectile dysfunction treatments. What they found however, is that the venom also acts as a natural spermicide, one far more potent than the spermicides currently on the market. Chilean scienctists expect spermicides based on the black widow venom to be available in a couple of years. I'm not really sure how I feel about that. I mean, rubbing something made out of black widow venom on my genitals doesn't exactly sound like a great idea. But maybe I'm just old fashioned.

Erection-related news item #2: A New York man is suing the makers of Boost Plus, one of those vitamin-enriched health drinks for old people, claiming that it gave him (an erection that would not subside� and which had to be surgically corrected. Who wants to bet that sales of Boost Plus have probably doubled after this news broke? I mean, for dudes looking for a little help keeping it stiff, it'd certainly easier to drink a bunch of Boosts than it is to get yourself bit by a Chilean black widow. Maybe scientists should study the chemicals in Boosts Plus and come up with a way to give men permanent hard-ons without the nasty side-effects. That'd be nice. I mean, what man wouldn't want (an erection that would not subside�? Dudes these days tend to act like they have a permanent boner so why not make it a reality? Come on science, do it right! We could have our Boost Plus 24-hour boner, and rub a bunch of black widow venom spermicide all over it and be totally set! Here's looking to the future, eh?

All this talk about erectile dysfunction and misfunction is starting to get me scared that I'm gonna jinx myself and be totally flopped out next time I'm in the mix. You would think that evolution or whatever would've given us an easier way to do it than having to get a boner all the time. I mean couldn't we just lay a bunch of eggs in the rocks like salmon and squirt out some juice and be done with it? Sure it wouldn't be as much fun but at least you wouldn't have to think about it. I mean, reading about erectile dysfunction on Wikipedia right now is making it seriously sound like some shit. (Erectile dysfunction, tied closely as it is to cultural notions of potency, success and masculinity, can have devastating psychological consequences including feelings of shame, loss or inadequacy; often unnecessary since in most cases the matter can be helped. There is a strong culture of silence and inability to discuss the matter. In fact around 1 in 10 men will experience recurring impotence problems at some point in their lives.â€? Even worse is this: (Excessive alcohol use has long been recognised as one cause of impotence, leading to the euphemism ‘brewer’s droop,' or ‘whiskey dick.'â€? Damn. Where I come from though, whiskey dick has an entirely different meaning, more closely resembling the above two stories than any sort of erectile dysfunction. But I guess things are different when you're a kid. Now that I'm an old timer maybe I'm gonna need some help. I'm gonna go look in the woodpile for some black widows. BRB

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