Swamp Donkey Teaches

*NEW* Swamp Donkey Teaches: How to Create a Rider

Hello again friends. I have decided to switch up my usual inspiring rants to teach you young virgins The Way of the Donkey. Take heed to my advice, I am a well traveled donkey and an expert in a wide range of areas as you will see in weeks to come with my new section for the young virgins.

My first Swamp Donkey Teaches is about concert riders. What is a rider you young virgins ask? A rider is basically a list of demands artists would like to see if they are playing a show or concert. Bands/rappers/piccolo players/DJs send this rider to the booking and or management of the venue they are planning to preform at.

Now I know this because I too used to be in a band, you might have heard of them, Brain is Numb. We toured and opened for great groups like Hinder. We were a Reggae-Salsa group with a rapper. Brain is Numb was the first Salsaggae group, although we broke up after a long 3 week run. It was a traumatic experience, as I took the brunt of my ongoing battle with speciesism. I was constantly battered while playing the piccolo. We came to be known as the “Donkey Show,” for what I thought was due to my bad ass piccolo skills, but later found the real definition to be even more fitting for me. All these years with the women in my life, and I didn’t even know people would want to pay to see? Anyway.

Now back to creating a rider. A perfect example of a well written rider is this version that my friend and golf partner, Kevin Federline is using on tour, in which he’s getting tons of support for.

This is his current hospitality rider.

Click on the image to view it larger:

What you need to take note of is the comprehensive necessities that is essential to an artist’s greenroom. Now you young virgins’ riders probably aren’t up to the platinum status as K-Fed, as only he could get away with these demands being the great MC he is. Things to take note on are the array of different bags of chips. Doritos regular, or Cool Ranch are a must. You also can’t go wrong with BBQ as you can see K-Fed requests. Other notables are jalapeno and/or vinegar flavored chips. Save yourself the horrible experience of buying cigarettes and save TONS of time by having them on your rider so they will be ready when you arrive in the greenroom. You young virgins must have candles. Now take note of K-Fed’s requirement of two aromatherapy pillar candles, they help artists relax, believe me.

You may notice I am not talking about any of the alcohol on the hospitality rider. As part of my rehab contract, I can not talk about alcohol…and my sponsor James Barone checks this blog regularly.

Last but not least, check out K-Fed’s secret recipe for preforming BANGIN shows; make sure you have hot water tea set up with assorted herbal teas, sliced lemon and honey and GNC Emergenc. The combination of fine hot tea with a splash of fresh lemon mixed in with GNC’s Emergenc energy powder will create an explosion of raw energy and power to enhance your stage presence and focus your playing ability…like my friend Mark Friesen has when he beat me 203 consecutive times at Mario Cart last weekend. Touche’ my friend, touche’.

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